I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Too much gin, very little bucket
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
