You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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