I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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