hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
