wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
