I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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