seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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