Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
