Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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