My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
