She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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