I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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