at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
