so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
