i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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