i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
