I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
