It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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