Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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