Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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