Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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