Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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