I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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