At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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