They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
