I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You don't make any sense
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