Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
