and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
