I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
