I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize