apparently the secret to your success is patron
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
