this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
