I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
