he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
