idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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