i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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