So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
