i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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