I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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