I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
