so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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