Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
