Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
