I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
