Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
