my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
