I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
