Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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