apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
