perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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