saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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