Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
