I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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