I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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